apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
