i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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