So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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