WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
