Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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