You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
