Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
