Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
