I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
