i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
