I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
