I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
