then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
