I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
