every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
