rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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