I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
