Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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