i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
