Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
