the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
