he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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