Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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