bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize