Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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