shes about as inviting as chlamydia
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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