was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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