yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
