I can text with my tongue
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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