Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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