u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
