Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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