On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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