Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize