I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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