Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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