This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
