Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
