Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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