its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
