They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
