He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
