it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
