the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize