one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
