Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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