I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
