I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
