im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
