Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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