I just pynch a tree in the face
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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