Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So. Much. Porn.
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