I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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