Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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