tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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