Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
