A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just found puke in my bra..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
