Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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