Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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