I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
