Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
