My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Text me some of your sweat
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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