i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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