I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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