I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You made out with two different species that night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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