i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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