Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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